Social Commentary or Simple Laziness

This goes out to the household(s) who gave my stale granola bars and tangerines for Trick or Treat. 1) You're lucky I can't figure out who you are, because my go into such a frenzy Trick or Treating that they don't pay attention to who gave them what, even when the "what" is so utterly disappointing. If I could figure out who you are, I'd invite you over for a coctail party and only serve Clamato. 2) In my day, you'd have been TPed. Immediately. Without a second thought. 3) What if my were allergic to nuts? Huh? Deaths, that's what. 4) It's possible that you just forgot that it was Halloween, so you didn't have any candy, and had to frantically search the house for something for the kiddies. If that's the case, I guess we're lucky we didn't get edible underwear or an old artichoke. 5) If, Hebben hep you, this is some sort of sly anti-consumer, whole foods passive-aggressive political bullshit, you suck. We're throwing out the granola bar and (unripe) tangerine, which you could have sent to Africa your own self. I bet there's a starving African kid who would love a granola bar or tangerine right about now, but she won't get it because...oh, never mind. She died.


If you are the 55-ish swell guy with the loafers and the $100 haircut who went in through the out door at the Waltham Costco about 2 p.m. this afternoon and almost got himself annihilated by a huge orange man with a cart brimming with goods, listen up. You need to understand that I was on a freaking mission to deliver a load of goods to my Epicenter, and I was moving fast, and my cart probably weighed about 200 pounds, and I myself weighed about 200 and eleventy-five pounds, and if my turbo ninja skills hadn't kicked in, enabling me to bring the Goods Train to a screeching halt on a dime, nay, half a dime, a nickel even, the EMTs would have found a crushed shopping cart containing smushed Polly-O cheese sticks and half of your shattered hipbone in Belmont. The rest of you would just be a fine mist. In the future, please watch where you're going and use the proper door, because even though I usually err on the side of less chaos and injury, sometimes I like to hit things just to see if it will make a funny sound.

Tasty Snack?

...or militant feminist slasher flick?

Or both?