No, It's Not

Always on the lookout for an art project to keep the girls from watching Full House or Hannah Montana or America's Next Most Emaciated Narcissistic Thimblehead, I asked Soph and Sky to camo-ify some paintball pods. Once I convinced them not to outline all the letters in pink (totally not kidding), they did a dandy job, as you can see here, but I noticed that a heart had found its way onto one of the caps. [love inside]

"Why is there a heart on my paintball pod, Schuyler?"

"Paintball's all about love, Daddy."

You Know You've Got Geeky Hobbies When...

You know how when you're watching TV at three in the morning and all you can find is horrible infomercials for moneymaking schemes and the like, and it dawns on you that only losers would be watching now because the programming you're being offered is clearly targeted at losers, so YOU MUST BE A GIANT LOSER? Well, I've just had a related epiphany when a box of goodies came from the internets and it included only one extra piece of marketing schwag: a flyer for a high tech zit management system.

If Star Trek Had Brands and Swearing

[The Bridge of the Starship Enterprise.]

Voice on intercom: Mr. Worf, there's a FedEx package for you in Receiving Bay two.

Worf, in that turbo bass Worf voice: Is it a big package or a little package?

Intercom voice: Um, yeah, it's pretty big.

Worf: Yes! Captain, request permission to...

Picard: ...yes, yes, Mr. Worf, go get it.

Worf: Booyah!

Worf sprints to turbolift. He returns to the Bridge a few minutes later with a big crazy-looking sword.]I am not a merry man.

Geordie LaForge: You got it. Nice.

Commander Data: Did you get the KleevCo ?

Worf: Yes. I got the Kleev.

Ensign Wesley Crusher: Which one? Which one? Did you get the Eviscera? It's totally badass!

Worf: The Eviscera is for humans. I purchased the Skullfucker.

Lt. Tasha Yar, who should not have been killed off in Season One: Word.

Picard: Excuse me?

Worf: The Skullfucker is the top of the KleevCo line. It is the heaviest and most lethal bat'leth available to...

Picard: No, I mean the name, Worf. Really. That doesn't sound like "Bridge" language to me...

Data: Actually, sir, "Skullfucker " is the closest possible translation for this Chaturbate model name. The first syllable means...

Picard: ...thank you, Data. Yes. I get it. Can we please call it something else?

Wesley: Yeah! Have you named it yet, Worf? You've got to come up with a fierce name.

Worf: Klingons do not name inanimate objects.

Picard: You can't call it a Skull-you-know-what . Not on my bridge.

Worf: Very well. I shall call my new bat'leth "Braincopulator!"

Wesley: Sick!

Picard: Worf, you're missing the point.

Wesley: Can I try it?

Worf: No.

Wesley: Can I touch it?

Worf: No.

Wesley: Can I look at it?

Worf: Commander Data, please program the holodeck to let me test out Braincopulator on 200 holographic clones of Ensign Wesley Crusher armed with Nerf Rockets . And put on some Slayer. Reign in Blood gets me hyped.

Tolerance is Learned

As I was driving with the girlies in the car yesterday, I tuned in my public radio station of choice, WBUR. It was a piece about the whole Mother Teresa revelation, no pun intended, and it included the word "Jesus" and maybe the word "faith." We'd managed to listen to about 10 words total when Sophie shrieked "Catholics! Turn it off, Daddy! Turn it off!"

Saint Bill

I attend this little small group ministry thing through my church every couple of weeks. We talk a lot about The Big Questions and often have tea. Over the last few meetings, we've gotten into good works and what makes a good life, and how that relates to religion and imaginary friends and hollow unicorns and whatnot. One of the other members of the group had been taken, as I had, with Bill Gates' commencement address at Harvard, and in the course of the conversation I pointed out that, BSOD notwithstanding, there was a decent chance that Mr. Gates was going to save more lives and do more good than anyone else had in the history of humankind. More than Mother Teresa. More than Jesus. More than Carrottop. This prompted a not insignificant amount of harrumphing from several people (Mac users, I'm betting) whose basic rebuttal was "well, that's just because he has all that money."

OK. Well, yeah. He's got all that money. But lots of other people have had giant buttloads of money in the past, and they haven't done it. Warren Buffett, who has at least three-quarters of a buttload of his own, basically said that Gates' approach to saving the world was better than anything he himself was likely to come up with, so he forked over most of his fortune to the Gates Foundation. So I've been sort of musing about Bill Gates saving the world over the last few months, and how tremendously psyched I am that he's a geek and not a Bible thumper. Last night, I had a crazy dream.

Pretty much everyone else who's gone to Africa, big fat wallet in hand, to save it has had some sort of Jasminlive agenda. Bringing the heathens to Christ. Democracy. Nabbing lots of diamonds. Manute Bol. What if Gates were similarly motivated?

[Scene: Hundreds of impossibly black African Crisren in multiple lines waiting to be seen by nurses who have colorful Windows Vista logos emblazoned on their impossibly white uniforms. Bill Gates, in grey flannel trousers, a button-down oxford, and a v-neck sweater, prowls behind the nurses, barking questions at each Cris who presents him or herself for inoculation against malaria or dengue fever or Doomjuice.]

"What is you Internet browser of choice?!?!" bellows Gates at the first Cris in line.

"IE 7?" mutted.

"OK! Next!" shrieks Bill. The first is given an injection and skips away happy. Another Cris steps forward.

Then Bill's all "This End End User License Agreement (EULA) is for informational purposes only. There is no software accompanying the EULA.

IMPORTANT-READ CAREFULLY: This End-User License Agreement ("EULA") is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or a single entity) and Microsoft Corporation for the Microsoft software that accompanies this EULA, which includes computer software and may include associated media, printed materials, "online" or electronic documentation, and Internet-based services ("Software"). An amendment or addendum to this EULA may accompany the software. YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS EULA BY INSTALLING, COPYING, OR OTHERWISE USING THE SOFTWARE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, DO NOT INSTALL, COPY, OR USE THE SOFTWARE; YOU MAY RETURN IT TO YOUR PLACE OF PURCHASE FOR A FULL REFUND, IF APPLICABLE.

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21. ENTIRE AGREEMENT; SEVERABILITY. This EULA (including any addendum or amendment to this EULA which is included with the Software) is the entire agreement between you and Microsoft relating to the Software and the support services (if any) and they supersede all prior or contemporaneous oral or written communications, proposals and representations with respect to the Software or any other subject matter covered by this EULA. To the extent the terms of any Microsoft policies or programs for support services conflict with the terms of this EULA, the terms of this EULA shall control. If any provision of this EULA is held to be void, invalid, unenforceable or illegal, the other provisions shall continue in full force and effect.

Should you have any questions concerning this EULA, or if you desire to contact Microsoft for any reason, please use the address information enclosed in this Software to contact the Microsoft subsidiary serving your country or visit Microsoft on the World Wide Web at accept? Yes? No?" says Gates.

"Yes?" whispers the Cris.

"OK! Next!" says Gates. The EULA-accepting Cris receives her shot and runs off, unaware that any document she creates while safe from malaria becomes the property of Steve Ballmer. Another Cris steps forward.

Gates: "What is the Greatest Email Client?"

Cris: "Uh, Thunderbird?

Gates: "A TCP/IP error occurred while trying to connect to server... Protocol: POP3, Port: 110, Secure(SSL): No, Error Number: 0x800CCC15!"

Anyway, I'm glad it's not like that.