HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest
courtroom clash since the last one, a class action
suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover
Area School Board for not allowing the teaching of
Intelligent Design in school science classes. The
twist? This time, it's the monkeys themselves bringing
In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean
Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school
district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only
be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution
be stricken from textbooks
These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended
by the idea that they are related to people, and think
Intelligent Design is the best alternative out there.
One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position
through a sign language interpreter: "That apes and
humans descended from a common ancestor is just a
disgusting thought. I'm appalled, frankly. I mean,
look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering,
violence. Look how you treat your kind. People are
horrible, horrible creatures."
She continued, "Have you seen some of the porn on
your internet? I can't believe humans pee on each
other. And don't get me started on the Tuesday night
lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According
to Jim on the air. That I'm related to people in any
way should be rejected on face value, let alone be
taught in science classes."
The details of the apes' replacement theory are still
ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits
elements of nature are so complex that they must have
been created by a higher force. Among some of the
more controversial elements of the ape theory include
the idea that this "intelligent designer" of the entire
universe is actually a 50 foot tall super smart ape
similar to King Kong.
Attorneys representing the school board have questioned
the true motives of the apes. In a written statement,
school board lawyers claimed the suit was just a cheap
parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the
fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.
But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another
plaintiff in the suit, has similar thoughts- "Man
did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees,
gibbons, we're all united. I mean, have you seen the
contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are
just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes
the case we're not associated with you at all!"
A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools
could not require creationism to balance the teaching
of evolution. This new lawsuit brought on by the apes
may eventually make it up to the conservative justices
recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As
a result the ruling may be different.
Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility
that a super intelligent, furry orangutan created
the universe. "I think that part of education is to
expose people to different schools of thought," Bush
said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought
to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."
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