In my career I've had plenty of job interviews,
probably fifty. And I have to admit that my get-an-offer
percentage is maybe 95%; not bad. On the flip side,
I have interviewed over a hundred candidates, hiring
a number of good people with few exceptions and only
one a probable serial killer (he apparently knew the
eighteen 'Do Nots').
I have asked it all, heard it all, answered it all,
and seen it all. It is from this wealth of experience
that I have culled eighteen must 'Do Nots' to share
with you. You can thank me later. Here they are:
1. Do not be late.
2. Do not put your feet on the desk.
3. Do not eat garlic 24 hours prior.
4. Do not have a flapping dried nostril booger or
a long protruding nose hair.
5. Do not have a stringer of spittle in the corner
of your mouth.
6. Do not shake hands if your palm is cold, clammy
7. Do not wear sneakers unless they are brand new.
8. Do not wear a lapel pin of any sort unless it
is the American or Mexican flag.
9. Do not ask about hours, salary, vacation, pensions,
insurance or anything else that might be considered
... well ... not job related.
10. Do not say "bottom line" or "at the end of the
day" less than five times every five minutes.
11. Do not quote Scripture or Seinfeld.
12. Do not forget to "push back" at least once on
some safe topic (e.g., interviewer: "Tell me about
your last job." Interviewee response: "I need to push
back. You seem stupider than tar!").
13. Do not use words like "mammy", "pappy", "gedder
done" or "irregardless" unless it's for a job at the
Monster Truck rally.
14. Do not reach for your pocket flask unless you
are willing to share it with the interviewer (which
I highly encourage you do to break the ice).
15. Do not divulge what sex positions you like unless
16. (Related to rule 15) Do not use the "C" word
under any circumstances, ever! "F", "B" and "S" words
are okay but only if encouraged by the interviewer.
17. Do not fall asleep.
18. Do not forget to leave when it's over.
There you have it. Most of it common sense. But you'd
be surprised just how many people forget. If you master
these rules and don't forget to weasel word at every
opportunity, you too should find success at your next
Happy job hunting.
This article was written by humorist Robert Crane.
For more the same and plenty of other surprises, visit
his popular website: http://www.cranelegs.com
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