This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.--Wolfgang Pauli

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.--Lily Tomlin

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.--Pancho Villa-Last Words

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?--Heidi Sandige

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.--Dennis the Menace

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.--W.C.Fields

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.--Henry Miller

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.--Charles Schultz

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.--Wilson Mizner

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.--Anonymous

Architecture is the art of how to waste space.--Philip Johnson

Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.--Ambrose Bierce

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.--Samuel Goldwyn

I'm still an atheist, thank God!--Luis Bunel

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.--Jean Giraudoux

So little time and so little to do.--Oscar Levant

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.--Will Rogers

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave.--E.M.Forster

The last time somebody asked, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."--Roy Blount, Jr.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.--Ashleigh Brilliant

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.--Quentin Crisp

We're not lost. We're locationaly challenged.--John M. Ford

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git" --Alexi Sayle

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.--Totie Fields

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.--Robert Orben

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.--Adreienne E. Gusoff

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them.--Chinese Fortune Cookie

Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.--Erma Bombeck

Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.--Anonymous