"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

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"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off."

Seen on the back of a loaded horse trailer:
"DON'T BE WHAT YOU SEE"

"Stop reading this and watch where you're driving."

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."

"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

"Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."

"Confusion not only reigns, it pours"

"Madness takes it's toll; please have exact change"

"I use to have a handle on life; then it broke"